(re-posted from: https://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/parenting/parenting-challenges/anger-and-rebellion/inside-the-mind-of-a-prodigal/)

Inside The Mind of a Prodigal

Every time I read the story about the Prodigal Son, I feel it’s a story about me.

By Laurie Kopf

When I was a young girl, I remember telling my parents that I would never leave them, even after I grew up.

But I did grow up, and I did leave them. In fact, I ran from them, I cut them out of my life, and for many years I rejected much of what they valued.

I guess that would make me a classic prodigal child.

In recent years, as I’ve grown close to God, and as I’ve raised children of my own, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about those painful years. What made me so different? What caused me to choose a path that was so different from my brother and sister? What turned me from an obedient child to a teenager and young adult with a tough, rebellious exterior who seemingly made all the wrong choices?

I cannot speak for all prodigals, because all of us have our own stories. But perhaps my experiences can shed some light for some of you who are trying to understand what might be going on in the mind of a prodigal. This is a long piece, especially for an online article, but something tells me that if you are the parent of a prodigal, or a prodigal yourself, you will be interested in the details of my story.

A Sharp Turn

I was born on July 13, 1957 in Ridgewood, New Jersey, the youngest of three children. During the first five years of my life I do not recall any difficulty or major crisis. I believe I would have been described as a quiet, shy little girl who tried to keep up with her brother and sister but, because of the age gap, felt left out much of the time.

When I was five, my dad was transferred and our family made our new home in Overland Park, Kansas. It was at this point that my life took a sharp turn one day when I was outside playing. I don’t remember this experience in great detail, but I remember an older boy in our neighborhood led me to a stairwell that led to a basement. That day he robbed me of my innocence. Although intercourse was not involved, what he did to me awakened feelings and sensations that God did not intend for a 5-year-old to experience.

As I look back I recall some of the thoughts that began to run through my mind. A voice in my head told me that I was a very bad little girl. I began to feel like I was different from other kids my age. I felt different from my brother and sister to the point that I didn’t seem to fit into my own family. I began to believe that my parents couldn’t possibly love me as much as they loved my siblings.

I believe this experience was the beginning of the battle that would go on in my mind for many years to follow.

At some point after the abuse, I attended Vacation Bible School at our church. I can still clearly remember looking up as my teacher told my mother that I had asked Jesus into my heart. I believe that even at the age of 5, I knew I was a sinner and I needed Jesus to forgive my sins. I felt dirty and believed that only Jesus could make me clean again. I knew I needed His love and forgiveness in my life.

When I was 10, my father was transferred back to New York City and we returned to New Jersey. We lived in a very nice neighborhood in a brand new two-story home. I continued to be quiet and shy; my confidence was extremely lacking. My brother was a senior in high school when we made the move and my sister was a freshman. They were both able to make friends quickly, but I found myself struggling to find my way as a fifth grader. I couldn’t find where I fit in.

“Why don’t you take more than one … “

The story I share next I still don’t truly understand myself, but it is a slice of my life. It happened one evening while I was in sixth grade. My mom was at the dining room table helping my brother and sister with their homework. I don’t believe I felt left out just because of this one instance—most likely it was an accumulation of situations that for some reason built to a climax for me that night.

I remember telling my mom I had a headache. She told me to go take an aspirin, and a few moments later I found myself at the kitchen cabinet where the aspirin were kept. Suddenly a strange thought popped into my mind: “Why don’t you take more than one? Take several.” So I took a small handful. Then after awhile something told me “Go back and take more … you didn’t take enough.” So I found myself back in the kitchen at the cabinet where the aspirin were kept and I proceeded to pour more into my hand. I made my way back to the bathroom and swallowed them one by one. I admit to you that I don’t recall the voice telling me why I should do this; I just remember listening to the voice and following its bizarre suggestion.

Later my mom came into my room to say good night. She asked me if I still had a headache and I said “Yes.” She said, “Well did you take an aspirin?” I remember replying, “Yes I took some.”

“What do you mean you took ‘some’?” she asked. “Laurie, how many did you take?” “I don’t know … several.” It took a few more verbal exchanges to finally get the full truth out of me. I finally told her, “I took 21.” I remember her dashing out of the room and I could hear her running down the stairs to the floor below. Next thing I knew my dad abruptly came into my room, grabbed me out of my bed, and began telling me not to shut my eyes as he guided me down the stairs into the kitchen.

I will never forget the look on the faces of my brother and sister as they sat at the kitchen table. They were looking at me like I was an alien or something. As I look back now I can’t blame them. I could hear the voice in my head saying, “Look at them—they think you’re crazy. They’re thinking, ‘Laurie, what would make you do such a stupid thing?’”

To be honest with you, I didn’t understand it either. Where would such a bizarre and twisted idea come from? What would make me think to do such a crazy thing?

When I appeared in the kitchen my mother was on the phone to the emergency room. She was told to make me drink 20 glasses of fluid in a relatively short period of time. I still remember my mom making me drink glass after glass of water, milk, juice, anything, until finally my stomach began to recoil violently, ridding itself of everything in my stomach.

I really don’t remember much of anything said to me that night. My body was aching, and I was exhausted and weak. All I wanted to do was go back to bed and go to sleep. In the morning I woke up to my stomach and the muscles that surrounded it screaming out from the bizarre episode of the evening before.

I soon learned that my strange behavior of the night before did not have the results I believe I was looking for. As I look back, I believe that I wanted to hear my parents say they loved me just as much as they did my brother and sister. I needed to hear that I was special and that I was a very important part of our family. Sadly, at this point in my life, I didn’t know what it was that I was after, so how was I supposed to explain it to my parents?

This peculiar episode was soon buried and forgotten as time went on. I was left with the belief that I was different, that I was weird. I felt even more like an alien in my own family than I did before. The voice in my mind would say things like, “Your whole family thinks you’re crazy,” or, “You’ll never be good enough, so why bother?” or, “You’re stupid, and you do stupid things.” And yes, there was always, “You’re a bad girl, you’ll always be bad.”

Listening To the Enemy

I look back upon these episodes and realize that I was experiencing an intense spiritual battle. I believe the enemy, the devil, used those insecurities to prey upon me. I did not realize until I heard a Campus Crusade for Christ speaker named Ney Bailey say at a conference, “The enemy speaks to you in your own voice and in your own accent.” When I heard this I finally understood that the thoughts that I have struggled with were coming from an enemy who was literally trying to destroy me. It says in 1 Peter 5:8, “Be of sober spirit, be on the alert, Your adversary, the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour,” and in John 8:44 we are told that “…he is a liar, and the father of lies”. As I continued to listen to these lies I began to believe them to be true. The devil knew how to speak to a young girl who had a huge need for love and affirmation.

But the Lord never stopped pursuing me. I recall a time when I attended a large Christian conference. My brother was at my side in the seat next to me. As the evening came to a close, they proceeded to give an invitation for those who wanted to receive Christ or rededicate their lives and asked those people to come forward. I could feel my heart beating through my chest, and I felt so drawn to go forward that I set aside any embarrassment and found myself being pulled down the stairs and down the aisle, making my way up to the front. My best friend’s older sister ended up being my counselor, and I remember praying with her.

For several years I grew spiritually. We were part of a good church, and one special memory is of the night our family was baptized all together. My parents also took my sister and me to a “Lay Institute for Evangelism” conference where we learned how to go door to door with surveys and then share the Four Spiritual Laws with people. I even remember going out with my sister and a group of kids to the beach and sharing our faith without fear or intimidation.

A “Hard” Appearance

By the time I began my freshman year of high school, my brother and sister were in college and living away from home. My high school was split along racial lines, and was known to be one of the toughest schools in our area.

On my first day I was hurrying to get to class, and while walking through a tunnel that led to another building another girl turned as she passed me and punched me in the back. I looked back at her as I gasped for breath, wondering what I had done to deserve such a blow. That same week, while still trying to navigate my way around and get myself to classes on time, I came up on four girls walking abreast across the hallway. As I passed them, they all spit onto the back of my head all over my blonde hair. I closed my eyes as I slipped into the cafeteria and leaned against the wall attempting to regain my composure, tears now streaming down my face. “Why me?” I thought. “Why would anybody do that to someone who’s trying to mind her own business?”

I soon realized that I must look like easy game. I was only 5’4″ and weighed 98 pounds. I realized at that point that I would have to change if I was going to survive the next four years in this insane place.

As the days passed, I felt more and more like I wasn’t going to fit in here, either. I knew I didn’t fit in with the “popular” kids or the “brainy” kids, so unfortunately I ended up outside with the kids that smoked cigarettes and marijuana. I had always said that I would never smoke cigarettes, but it didn’t take long before I found myself compromising my standards and beliefs.

I learned how to achieve a “hard” appearance; I wore my jean jacket with my pack of cigarettes in the front pocket and I learned how to talk the talk, using as many four-letter words as possible. I also learned that you never look anyone that you don’t know in the eyes unless you wanted to get punched again or cornered somewhere. I had resisted smoking marijuana up to this point, but it wasn’t long before a friend at church introduced me to pot. I quickly found that getting high worked like anesthesia to deaden the hurt and pain I felt inside and permitted me to come out of my shell a bit.

On the Run

This was the true beginning of my rebellious years, when I began to turn away from God. I found myself on the run—to where, I had no idea—but I continued running nonetheless. As I look back now, I realize I was searching for someone who would love me unconditionally, someone who cared about me and wouldn’t look at me like I was an alien.

During my junior year of high school, I met a guy during a church youth group that was meeting at my parents’ home. We went out on a couple unsatisfactory dates, and then began seeing each other regularly the following summer. It would turn out to be a summer we both would never forget.

I think what attracted us to each other was our need for acceptance. He made me feel special. He made me feel like somebody loved me for who I was. I think that’s how I made him feel. Eventually we became involved physically, and that seemed to make them us even more desperate to be together.

A couple of times during the summer my boyfriend would return to my house after he had dropped me off, sneaking back to see me after my parents had gone to bed. One night, at 2 a.m., we were discovered when his mother called my parents looking for him.

Once again another one of those notorious great ideas popped into my head: “Run away!” I mentioned the idea to my boyfriend, and he was all for it. We decided that we were going to try to get married. The only place we thought that would be possible was in Las Vegas, so that’s where we headed.

We tried to get married at a chapel only to find out that since I was not yet 18, it would not be possible. We were really disappointed. Eventually our parents tracked us down in Colorado, and my father told me that if we didn’t return home he would have the authorities put my boyfriend in jail for statutory rape and for taking a minor across state lines. My boyfriend sold his car and we flew back home, not knowing what to expect.

We arrived at the airport to find only our fathers standing there, waiting for us. I remember my father coming up and putting his arms around me, telling me that he was glad I was home safe and that he loved me. This was a moment in time that I will never, ever forget as I couldn’t recall my father hugging me and telling me he loved me like this before. It meant the world to me that even after all I had put him through, he still loved me.

In the days that followed our parents discussed the situation and decided that we would not be allowed to speak to each other for six months, not even at church. I felt like they had cut off my lifeline. When the summer came to an end, my boyfriend went off to college and I began my senior year of high school. As you might guess it was a terrible year for me. My boyfriend was off at college experiencing his new-found freedom and I was at home still bound by restrictions set by my parents. I felt more alone than ever before.

“If it doesn’t work, we can just get divorced.”

The next summer my parents encouraged me to attend a girl’s school in Missouri. I believe it was their desperate attempt to put some distance between my boyfriend and me. And it worked. I wasn’t at school long when I decided that I would write him a “Dear John letter,” breaking up with him. I felt like I was tying him down, and I thought he would end up resenting me if I didn’t give him the opportunity to find out for himself what else was out there.

Time went on, and I started seeing someone else. I will admit that our relationship was mostly a physical one. I knew I didn’t feel for him the way I had felt for my old boyfriend, but I figured I now had nothing to lose…except myself. The Enemy once again began working on my mind, saying things like, “He’s already forgotten about you. He’s having sex, so you might as well have sex, too. You’ve already given up your virginity, so what difference does it make now?”

This new boyfriend happened to be an atheist. I remember telling my mom on the phone that we were thinking about marriage, and she said, “Laurie, please don’t marry him.” That’s all it took. I was still blaming my parents for what happened to my old boyfriend and me, so I made the decision to marry him.

On my wedding day I still recall thinking, “If it doesn’t work, we can just get divorced.” Not the best way to start out your married life.

After two years of marriage we had a son. He was a beautiful, priceless and precious gift from God. For the first time in my life I experienced the unconditional love between parent and child. But even with a child in my life I soon found myself depressed, and eventually I became dissatisfied with my marriage. I felt it had been a mistake from the beginning, and I wanted out. When Kaylin was 18 months old I made plans to return home to New Jersey for the month between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I knew I wasn’t going to return to Missouri, but I didn’t tell my husband until he came to New Jersey for Christmas that I wanted a divorce.

As I look back at the choices I made during those weeks and months, I see now how desensitized I had become. With each wrong choice through my adolescent and young adult years my heart had become more and more hardened. All I cared about was myself and what I wanted. Jeremiah 17:9 puts it this way: “The human heart is more deceitful than all else. And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?”

To this day I am so ashamed that I could be so selfish, so heartless. In no way did my husband deserve the pain I put him through. I was the one who failed; he didn’t. I look back now and grieve at the pain I caused him, his parents, and my son. How could I have been so uncaring? I now believe that it’s because I so utterly and completely believed the enemy’s lie: “It’s all about you, Laurie.” In my mind I would hear him say things like, “You’ll never be happy with this guy, so why not leave? He’ll be better off without you anyway. He deserves someone that will really love him. You’ll be better off back at home. He’s an atheist; it’s because of him you aren’t in church. Leave him and everything will be better. You deserve to find real happiness.”

After I returned to New Jersey, I began looking up some of my old friends. It was also just a matter of time before my old boyfriend heard I was in back in town. We hadn’t seen each other in six years, and yet when we finally did see each other our feelings were rekindled. By this time I had already started divorce proceedings and was waiting out an 18-month period for a no-fault divorce. I began thinking, “If I just marry him, then I will finally be happy.”

A New Tool for the Enemy

Everything seemed to be going just the way I had hoped … until I found out I was pregnant again. Because of the timing I knew the child belonged to my ex-husband.

So now I was faced with a choice I never thought I’d have to make. I could choose to keep the baby and return to my ex-husband and continue my life with him, if he’d have me. Or, with painful regret, have an abortion and stay with my boyfriend.

Just days later, very early on a Saturday morning, I found myself sitting with a friend in a woman’s clinic. There were approximately 30 young women seated around the room, some with boyfriends, some alone. It was a very depressing place to be. It felt like walking into a funeral home, and in many ways that’s exactly what it was.

I will never regret anything as much as I regretted my decision to go through with the abortion. That day is forever engraved on my brain as a reminder of just how selfish and wretched I could be when left to my own devices. Now the enemy had a new tool he could use. Now I was a “murderer.”

A Close Call

Not too many months later I believe God decided it was high time He got my attention. I had begun working for an electric company as a cashier. A man came in one afternoon with a delinquent bill, and I walked to the back of the building to ask someone in the finance department how much he needed to pay. On my way back to the counter a new supervisor grabbed me by the arm and began asking me a question. Suddenly we heard what sounded like an explosion, and we looked over to see a car flying through the front window of the building! It all looked like it was happening in slow motion. Bricks were flying threw the air and glass was slowly showering down like a glistening snowstorm.

After everything had settled I realized, that if the supervisor hadn’t grabbed me at that exact moment, I would have been at my cashier counter. It was then that I found my workstation was now a mass of tangled metal underneath the car that was almost completely inside our office.

To say the least, I was shook up. I could barely stop shaking. This close call left me believing that God was telling me I needed to turn around and come back to Him or He was going to take me home early. I wish I could say that I immediately listened. I can say, however, I had a new fear of God that I never felt before.

After the waiting period ended and my divorce became final, my boyfriend and I were finally married. I really believed that being married to this man was all I needed to finally be happy. But even now, I was ignoring some big problems. I knew he drank a lot of beer but it wasn’t until after we were married that I came to understand that he was an alcoholic. It didn’t take long before I realized that my happiness would not be found in being married to my husband.

A Destructive Path

I allowed the enemy to continue to work in my mind by listening to his lies. Through the years people had made jokes and comments about my nose being large, and that had led me to believe I was ugly. In an attempt to make myself attractive and stop the nose jokes, I made the decision to undergo rhinoplasty. Unfortunately, it didn’t take long before I deeply regretted allowing a surgeon to alter God’s master design. Even worse, through this experience I continued to entertain the lies of the enemy, and ended up going down the treacherous and destructive path of adultery. The enemy told me, “Your husband could care less about you or what you’re doing” and, “You have to think about yourself now and your own happiness, no matter what the cost.”

At the end of that path I only found emptiness, guilt and shame. For others I caused excruciating pain that would haunt them in the shadows of their minds for a lifetime. The enemy never tells you how great the cost will be; he only tells you what you want to hear so you will follow him to a pit of despair. I am reminded once again of John 8:44, “…He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. Whenever he speaks a lie, he speaks from his own nature; for he is a liar, and the father of lies.” As Christians we must always keep in mind what it says in John 10:10: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy.”

Baby Steps of Faith

I found myself severely depressed. My husband continued to drink, and we continued to drift apart into complete isolation.”

It was at this point that I finally began to cry out to God for help. I realized that, when left to my own devices, I had made a complete mess out of my life. When I finally came to see that my husband was unable to love me the way I was searching for, I found myself on my knees crying out to God for help …  and I found Him there. I went from being the fool to having my eyes opened to the Truth. I finally came to the understanding that only God could love me with the type of love I was looking for. Only He could fill the void that I had tried to fill with everything else.

A few months later my husband hit rock bottom and finally made the decision to stop drinking. We began to take baby steps of faith, turning our hearts toward God. We found a church and began attending regularly. Yes, we had a lot of baggage, and it would take time for God to help us shed some of our behaviors, attitudes, and desires. But He was indeed working, and I was beginning to hear His voice again.

About a year later, God showed us His grace and mercy and blessed us with our first child together. Then one day my husband called from work to tell me that he thought we needed to put the house on the market and move to Oklahoma, where my brother was now a pastor. He thought it would be best to leave all our old friends behind. In Oklahoma we would be able to sit under my brother’s teaching and start over fresh where no one knew about our past.

This was the first big step of faith that we made together. Rob worked as many as three jobs at a time to support our family, and I took in ironing. We learned that following God’s will is not always easy, but it always builds character. We can also say that God continued to be faithful and our family never once went without a meal.

Another step of faith I took during these years was to establish a better relationship with my parents. Although I knew that I was responsible for the choices I made as a teenager and young adult, I also cast a fair amount of blame on my parents. At some point I finally realized that my parents were only human and did the best they knew how. I knew that they loved me even though they didn’t understand me or know how to deal with me. As friends came and went out of my life my parents were still there doing their best to hang in there and love me. And after I had my own children I came to understand the bond, the unconditional love that parents have for their children. I came to finally understand the excruciating pain that I had put my parents through.

My parents waited for many years for my return to the faith. All the while they prayed that I would finally come to my end and find my way back home. During one period, months would go by when they had no idea where I was, who I was with, what I was doing, or if I was even still alive. But, as with the prodigal son my parents welcomed me back into their lives. They accepted my apology for treating them so horribly and they forgave me. We then proceeded to put the past behind us and really never looked back.

Struggling in Our Marriage

In 1986 we attended a Weekend to Remember conference in Dallas, Tex. Because of the baggage that we carried into our marriage we still found ourselves struggling in our relationship. At this point I was pregnant with our second child. During the conference we fought the entire time. We sat through all of the sessions but we didn’t do any of the suggested projects. It was a difficult weekend.

I also joined a group of women at our church in a study by Kay Arthur on Marriage Without Regret. Learning how to dig into the Word was like applying fertilizer to a sapling and watching it grow into a healthy, sturdy tree with roots that grow deep into the soil and branches that bear luscious fruit.

As I worked through this study I came to realize that I could not change my husband, and I could not fix our marriage, but I could allow God to change me. I began to grow spiritually and soaked up the study like a sponge. I prayed that God would change me and that He would somehow work a miracle in our marriage.

As I grew closer to God spiritually I found comfort knowing that He loved me unconditionally just the way I was. I found I could trust Him to be there for me and found great peace in knowing that He promised to never leave me or forsake me. We were blessed with a third son in 1988 (bringing our total, including my son from my first marriage, to four sons), and I also began to see spiritual growth in my husband’s life. In fact, it was about this time that he began to express a desire to leave his secular job and go into ministry.

To be honest, I wasn’t warm to this idea. My entire family had now moved to Oklahoma; my brother was the pastor of our church, my sister and her husband lived there, and after my father’s retirement he and my mother made the move from New Jersey to Norman. I couldn’t imagine God asking me to leave. But through one of my brother’s sermons, God helped me realize I needed to submit to my husband and follow what he felt God was telling him to do as the spiritual leader of our family.

So we prayed together, asking God to lead us where He wanted us to be. Our first thought was to look at the possibility of working with FamilyLife; even though we can’t say we enjoyed our time at the conference, there were seeds of truth that we had taken with us. It took several months to find out if they would accept us with all our baggage. But, as God would have it, we were accepted and began our adventure in raising our financial support.

I remember my mom called and asked if we could come over because my dad had something to say to us. At this point my dad had lung cancer and was very weak. When we arrived he proceeded to tell us that he and my mom had been impressed and moved by our faith during the past months. He said they wanted to join our support team, and that he was very proud of us. This was a gift from God, especially to me. Those words were like precious gold. I had longed to hear that my father was proud of me my entire life! Knowing these are words some people never hear from their fathers, I thanked God for the precious blessing of hearing them from my dad just days before he would forever be silenced by his death.

The Battle Between Two Voices

We moved to work with FamilyLife in Little Rock, Ark., and God provided a wonderful home. Our boys were now 5, 7, 8 and 14. Rob started his work at FamilyLife, and the boys soon started school.

For the first time this left me home alone. I wasn’t sure what to do with myself. And even though we were now working with a marriage and family ministry, we still found ourselves struggling in our relationship at times. Our life could have been described as a roller coaster ride. When our relationship was up, it was way up, and when it was down, it was way down.

With being away from family and finding myself not only in a new place, but also in a new stage of life and motherhood, the enemy began to work on me once again. I began to hear negative thoughts a lot. At times they came at me like a whirlwind. I heard things like, “Here you are on staff at a ministry for marriages and yours in a mess. You are such a hypocrite! You should be ashamed of yourself. Who are you to be working at a ministry that helps couples when you both quarrel all the time? You shouldn’t be here. You’re a fool to think God could ever use you.” Or things like, “Your kids don’t need you anymore. They’re old enough to be without you. You’re a terrible mother anyway.” And, “You are all alone. You don’t have any friends. You don’t fit in here and never will. Maybe life isn’t worth living …  remember absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. Being with God would be better than living the life you’re living now.”

I know there are others out there that are tormented with these same thoughts. We need to know how the enemy works and come to understand that he uses the same tactics over and over on any who will listen.

One day I found myself returning home after driving my youngest son to school. The sound of silence seemed to engulf me. As I drove along I felt the warm sunshine on my face. It felt good. I searched the landscape and enjoyed the beauty of His amazing handiwork as I passed home after home. There were mums blooming in golden yellows, deep purples and shades of milky white. Birds could be seen and heard as they quickly flapped their wings above me in the deep coral blue sky.

I found myself wondering how wonderful it must be to soar high in the sky with the wind in your face. How free it must feel to fly wherever your wings felt like taking you knowing He would take care of you.

I pulled into my garage and closed the garage door behind me. Darkness seemed to swallow me up along with the car. It was quiet, except for the soft hum of the car motor running. For some reason I found myself just sitting there, like I was frozen, while the car continued to run. It was then that I heard a voice somewhere in the recesses of my mind. First it said, “Just let it run. Then it will be all over. You won’t have to deal with the pain and heartache anymore. Besides, everyone would be better off without you.”

After several long seconds I then heard softly but firmly: “No, Laurie, those are lies, turn the car off, now. You can’t do this; your family needs you. You can’t put them through the horror of finding you. Think for a moment—who would wake your boys up each morning with a gentle nudge and kind words like ‘Time to rise and shine?’ Who would make their peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the same love? Who would softly kiss their boo boo’s to take away the pain? Who would lovingly cuddle them in their lap to read them their favorite books over and over again? Who would cover them up each night with a warm hug and a soft gentle kiss? Who could ever love them with the same love you have for each one of them? You can’t do this. Turn the car off now.”

Then I immediately heard the other stern voice: “Let the car run! They will be just fine without all those things. In just a short time, they won’t even miss those things or think about them anymore. They don’t need you. They won’t miss you. Let it run. End your own misery. Then you will find the peace you’ve always been searching for.”

Then softly, yet firmly, I heard the other voice say once again, “Laurie, turn the car off now! Think how devastating it would be for your kids to come home on the bus and find you weren’t here waiting for them. Who would pick up your youngest son from school this afternoon? Turn the car off now!”

I began to picture my husband talking to our four boys as they sat on the couch in our living room. He was telling them that mommy was gone. He told them that mommy would not be here for them anymore. At that point, each boy began to cry softly and I saw hot, salty tears flowing down their soft cheeks. I knew then what each one felt. Mommy had betrayed them. I had betrayed them in the worst possible way.

Then I heard the soft voice say one last time, “Laurie, turn the car off now!”

In a mindless fog, I felt my hand reach up, grab hold of the key and turn it towards me. The engine stopped. The voices stopped. There was complete and utter silence. I laid my head back against the headrest, closed my eyes and sighed deeply. The battle had been won.

I then pushed the button on the garage door opener so that it opened the door about a foot. I opened the car door, grabbed my purse and walked through the cloud of gassy fumes as it began to burn my eyes. I made my way to the door to the house while trying not to breathe. I opened the door to the house and stepped inside quickly closing the door behind me. My fingers relaxed and I felt my purse and car keys drop to the floor. I walked a few steps to the couch, where I had pictured my four precious boys in tears, and sat down.

I sat there frozen like a statue. Dropping on my knees to the floor, I burst into tears. I cried out loud to the Lord in deep anguish and said, “Please help me! I can’t do this anymore! It’s too hard! It hurts too much!”

I cried until the tears stopped flowing. I reached for my Bible and found myself turning to the Psalms, reading many of them aloud. I felt as though a blanket of peace was wrapping itself around me. It was there on my knees, alone with God, I found solace.

A Lifelong Battle

I still have moments when I struggle with doubt and insecurity, and the enemy attacks my mind once again. I have to tell you that I have come to the conclusion that most likely it will be a lifelong battle. I know it is a tactic the enemy will chose to use against me whenever I get weary, lose my focus, or become isolated. But I’ve come to know the enemy’s voice and I recognize it much sooner.

When those negative thoughts start coming we need to know where they are coming from. We need to replace those negative thoughts with the truth. We need to know what God thinks about us, and we need to meditate on who we are in Jesus Christ.

It wasn’t until I was 40 that I talked with my brother and mother about my being molested at age five. I told them I had always believed that it had been my fault; that it had because I was a bad girl. My mother came over and hugged me. She said, “Laurie, it wasn’t your fault. It was never your fault.” As I heard these words come from her mouth I began to feel the gaping wound that had festered so long begin to heal. It says in Proverbs 12:18, “But the tongue of the wise brings healing.” It was then I knew the enemy would never be able to use that lie to torment me again.

Shortly after this incident my mother gave me a little round plaster cast that I made of my hand back in kindergarten. As I looked at that tiny hand print I clearly saw there was no way I could be at fault for what happened—I was so little and helpless.

My mother has said she doesn’t know where she and Dad “went wrong” with me. “We tried to treat you kids all the same,” she said. Perhaps that was part of the problem. I needed “more” than my siblings did. More encouragement, more love, more affection, more attention … maybe I needed more of everything because I wasn’t my brother or my sister … I was Laurie and I was different.

I believe that many prodigals are after this same affirmation. They want to know that they have true value, that they are an important part of the family. They need to know they are loved for who they are, without being compared to another sibling. They need to know they are unique and God created them exactly as they are inside and out, for a unique purpose that no one else can fill.

I want it said that in no way do I blame my parents for my wrong choices. I also want to make it clear that I in no way see myself as a victim. I alone am responsible for the failures in my life. When I stand before God I will have to answer for my actions and I will stand before Him alone.

God is sovereign; He knows me through and through because He created me just the way I am. He never makes mistakes! He knew what it would take in my life to bring me to Himself and I thank Him for loving me enough to do so. I give Him all the glory for what He has done in my life! I like what 1 Samuel 12:24 says: “Only fear the Lord and serve Him in truth with all your heart; for consider what great things He has done for you.”

(re-posted from https://www.josephprince.org/blog/praise-reports/marriage-restored-after-signing-divorce-papers)

Marriage Restored after Signing Divorce Papers

Pastor Prince, I was raised in church and have believed Jesus as my Savior since the age of 6. But I have always carried the burden of sin and the 10 Commandments. That squeezed the joy of Christian living out of me and I walked defeated and beaten. I thought I was suffering as I should in the church.

Years later I failed God as a youth leader in ministry. I had gotten my girlfriend pregnant. I walked away from my church and cut myself off from everyone I knew. I still believed in and loved the Lord, but I was punishing myself for my sin.

We got married before our daughter was born. We were building our family the best I knew how. Two years into our marriage, we moved 1,200 miles away from home to live in Pittsburgh. It was a big move but we felt it was the best decision. But 1 year later, I came home from work to an empty house. There was a key and a business card of my wife’s divorce lawyer on the counter.

I was so broken. I had no one to turn to except a longtime friend back home. I started calling on him and he began talking about you and your ministry. He recommended that I start following your ministry. I was contemplating suicide when I first heard you preach the gospel of grace message. I felt free, I felt alive, and most importantly, I felt loved and no longer alone.

The year was 2010 and I had started getting your CD sermons. I did a lot of driving and I could sometimes listen to 2 or 3 sermons a day! I no longer had a fear of my circumstances, like not having enough money. I started putting my trust in Jesus and really believing that I am righteous in Christ. I started speaking over my marriage and speaking out loud that God is a God of reconciliation, and that He could and would restore my marriage!

A couple of months into our separation, I was forced to sign the divorce papers. As I stood there with the notary signing the papers, I spoke out loud and said God would restore our marriage and we would not get divorced.

As I signed those papers, all I thought about was Abraham who was about to sacrifice his own son, and God interceded and gave him an offering. I just saw that God would intercede for me even as I signed the papers.

When I called my wife to talk about our marriage, she told me she hated me and never loved me. I felt God telling me to stop calling her so often and that He was working on her.

Eight months after I signed our divorce papers, I got a phone call from my wife one day asking to come back home! By now, we both thought we were legally divorced. When we called her lawyer to find out what we could do, we were told the State of Pennsylvania rejected our divorce!

We later discovered the reason: errors in the paperwork filed. The lawyer had misspelled some words. But I knew it was God who had intervened and restored our marriage. When you know your place in Christ, all things ARE POSSIBLE. Praise God!

I was a defeated, hopeless Christian going through life without hope. But I am now alive in Christ and have forever been changed. My wife and I are blessed with a wonderful godly marriage and we have 4 beautiful children—Olivia, Abigail, Ethan, and Emily. My heart is so thankful for you, Pastor Prince. We may never meet here but one day I will thank you for your faithfulness!

(re-posted from https://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?id=143522102341553&story_fbid=4179071895453200)

Much of you may not be able to relate to my praise reports and restoration story. In fact, I am sure some of you are thinking — “yeah well good for you, mine is far from hopeful” or “My story is worse”, or even “Maybe God has a different plan for me.” Well, when I was a new stander and I read others’ testimonies I thought the exact same things. I even remember thinking, “What if God can restore but DIDN’T WANT TO RESTORE MINE?”.

So if you are thinking and feeling this exact same feelings and thoughts, then welcome to standing! You are not unique and you are not alone.

This might (or can) help for those who are new standers and who were not with me in the beginning of my stand — I will make a quick flashback of my 5 years of standing so you can all see my journey from the time of BOMB DROP to today that we are RESTORED. My hope here is for all of you to identify where you are and see that I have been where you all are, and I have experienced what you have, and I want you also to see how God moved me from the worst point to his victory point!

Year 1/2 (2012) – My h became cold, distant and was always away from the house. We fought constantly and he was always out of the house with friends or worked late nights. He removed his ring in November and declared that he would never wear it anymore because he hated the memories of being married to me the last 14 years.

Year 1 (2013) – In January my h left the house. I had no clue where he went. He never told us where he lived, who he was with. There was no admission of an OW. He visited the kids once a week. He was angry almost every time we saw each other or spoke. I did everything wrong… I cried, I begged, I forced him to seek help, I spoke to his parents, his relatives, his friends… finding ways to convince him to come back home. I cried almost every single day of the year. I thought I was going to die. Many people told me he had an OW. There were “alien sightings” of him and her at a mall, at a beach, at an out of town trip, at a bar, out of the country… everywhere! There was even an instance where the kids and I crossed paths in our cars with him and the OW inside! BUT, I refused to accept this fact until one year later when the OW herself started calling me and harrassing me. I went through deep financial problems. I didn’t have a full time job, my h didn’t support us financially. I was left to provide for two kids, 2 maids and a household. I was tired, depressed, weighed only 99 pounds, and cash-strapped. God gave me a job out of the blue which He blessed me with to provide for everything I needed and more.
This is the year I started STANDING. I found first Charlene and joined RMM then later on joined RMIEW founded by Erin Thiele. These were my only sources of help and information about standing. There were no forums or FB pages or groups to support one another. I only had a BIBLE, books, a few website reading and GOD. I stood alone and prayed warfare prayers daily for my h to be set free, and for God to remove my h from his sinful life (he worked at bars and clubs then) with the OW.
My h and I had our first false start. When he and the OW fought, he came home and stayed for 3 weeks, then broke our hearts by going back to her.

Year 2 (2014) – I was slowly moving forward with my life. I have learned about standing and what I needed to do to take my eyes off my spouse and onto God. By this time, God had totally removed “wordly” people from my life, and I was left with my pastoral heads at church community, my counsellor, and my prayer journals. I spent half of this year just focusing on reading my bible, learning about God and Jesus, and why I was in this situation I was in. While spending half the year with God, I was being blessed in the area of work and finances. God grew my sources of income and allowed me to provide for most of what me and my kids needed even without my h’s help.
Also in this time, my h was now going through devastation on the other side of the mountain. He lost his job, lost all his money, lost some friends, was completely dependent financially on the OW, was depressed, and was always fighting with the OW. While I was moving forward with the kids and accepting the wilderness journey that God placed me in, my h was being placed in a position by the Lord that pushed him to make unexpected decisions.
By August 2014, my h SUDDENLY came back home… BUT unchanged, unrepentant, unremorseful and stinking of sin. He came home angry, clothes in the car, saying he was only home for the kids and took residence in my son’s bedroom. I have found FB groups on standing and I joined MRGW and sought counsel and guidance from other restored standers in different countries. Having my h home apparently was WORSE than having him away. It was mental and emotional torture every single day. He was still seeing the OW, living with us, and hated every bit of me. I caught him out on dates with her several times. We had our 2nd false start here. He left because I caught him, then he came back after a week.

Year 3 (2015) – My h stayed home, and was jobless still. He was angry, and I was fighting being angry because I felt like I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I worked all day, every day, I provided financially for the household and the kids, AND he still treated me like rubbish. Like I didn’t matter, like I was just someone who brought home food or paid bills. He was still very much emotionally attached to the OW and made sure he made me feel like I was nothing, and I was hated. There were even days were he made sure to let me and our kids know that ” we will never ever get back together again”, because he “doesn’t love me anymore”, he doesn’t want to be a “husband to me anymore”, and doesn’t want to have to live “the hell life had again in the past”. And… he made sure that he said that to me at least 4x a year in case I would have any hopes or fantasies of us ever getting back together. He would always say “IMPOSSIBLE” because “I would never allow us to be together again if I can help it”.
Did these words hurt? Of course! Have you heard these words said to you before? I am sure you have!
What did I do this year? I cried, I prayed, I warfared and fought the devil every single day to release its hold over my husband! Did I give up by this time? NO! Did I want to? YES… EVERY SINGLE DAY! Why? Because after 3 years… I was starting to know God and how deeply He loved me. I wanted to please Him and obey Him MORE than I wanted to be pain-free.
God here answered my longest prayer. I prayed that he separated my h and the OW completely. Take her far away from my h. So the OW migrated to Canada. ? My h became depressed, angrier and more hateful towards me.

Year 4 (2016) – This was a very difficult year. To summarize: My h left home again a 4th time because of his anger towards me that never dissipated. By this time the enemy got hold of me and my anger grew as well. My h was gone for almost 8 months. He lived with my in laws and visited the kids weekly. I on the other hand went through a crisis with the Lord. I rebelled because I was sick, tired of being sick and tired (can you relate?). I wanted out. I wanted an annulment. I wanted to cut him totally out of my life. I wanted to start a new life, believing that maybe I heard God wrong. Maybe I was meant to be with someone else. Maybe I was making a mistake standing for a MISTAKE. I moved away from God BUT i continued to read my bible. I rebelled by not following God’s instructions on how to stand, BUT i still prayed and journalled. By end of 2016, God called my attention and pushed me back to stand. Within a week of my wrestlling with God, out of the blue God sent Allan back home again. This time for good.

Year 5 (2017) – My h was back home, but was still not considering marriage to me anymore. He continued to live in my son’s bedroom and an autonomus life. By now he had a job again (still doing night work at clubs as a manager) and spent hours at night away from the family. And as I went back once more to standing, actively praying again for my marriage, warfaring against the enemy and its hold on my h, is when I actively participated in our local standing support group here in our country called RMP. As I sought solace from fellow standers as well as help minister to the new standers, God and the devil had a major battle over our family. My career soared, finances improved… while my h’s life grew weary, he lost his job again and became angry and miserable once more. He was worse than ever now and we became more and more distant from him because we built a higher wall now around him. My son started to grow angrier and resentful towards his dad, the tension became thicker at home and sparks flew almost every single day. One fateful August evening in 2017, the devil started an attack that sent my h in a rampage. My h went ballistic on me and my kids, which set my son packing and running away from home. I decided that night that I had had enough. I was adamant to end the marriage. We fought till wee hours of the morning until my h left the house to search for my son. It was the worst night of my 5 years, and yet it was the TURNING POINT of my stand. Just when I declared that night: “LORD, FORGIVE ME, BUT I HAVE HAD ENOUGH. I NO LONGER WANT TO BE MARRIED TO ALLAN. I AM FINE IF I WAS TO JUST BE ALONE WITH YOU AND THE KIDS. PLEASE SET ME FREE.”… God had other plans. At 3am my h came home, run to me, hugged me, weeped and fell on the ground crying for forgiveness for ever hurting me, for ever saying things to hurt me, for leaving us and for all the years that he caused us pain. This was the beginning of God’s hand in our restoration because that fateful night where the whole world seemed to completely fall apart, was when the world was being pieced by God together.

Year 5-1/2 (2018) – My h said he was ready to go to a marriage restoration retreat. He was tired of living the life he has been living. He was tired of being angry at me. he was tired of being away from our friends and removed from church help and support. He said God has been calling him to make the marriage work again but he didn’t know where to start or what to do because honestly — he still did not love me, still did not feel any desire for marriage. But he said he wanted to obey God this time and see if this step would make things easier and clearer for him. This was a make or break for my h because if after the retreat we still didn’t connect, he said we would most likely have to accept that we would not and should not be together anymore.
Long story short — we attended the Retrouvaille marriage restoration weekend retreat plus 8 weeks post sessions counselling, and by the end of the whole thing, God rewarded my h’s obedience and placed back in my h’s heart a desire again for our marriage and he put love back in him… SUDDENLY.

It has been 7 months since our retreat. My h is A NEW PERSON. He admits now that he was blinded by the devil. He openly confessed everything about the OW. He claims that he never loved her, was never happy with her, and only used her to feel valued, validated and to feed his ego. He said the whole time he was away, God pursued him every time. When he sinned, God always convicted him. He resisted God by justifying his anger towards me and claiming that I treated him badly all those years so he deserved to be the way he was.
Can you see or hear your husband in my h’s words? Can you relate?
We celebrated our 20th year anniversary last October and here is a picture of my husband who surprised me with a renewal of our vows in the presence of our family and friends. 6 years ago, this was an impossibility for everybody who knew our story. Today, this is us.

If God can turn my story from year 1 to this day… HE CAN AND WILL DO THE SAME FOR YOU. Whenever you feel down, hopeless, scared, alone, tired and ready to give up… read my story again! And ask yourself… CAN YOU RELATE? Because I am sure you can… and your ending will be the same — RESTORED.

Do. Not. Give. Up.

(re-posted from https://www.faithandmarriageministries.org/2008/11/29/gods-divine-erasers-by-karla/)

Well, God works in mysterious, yet wonderful ways! As I sit here typing this, I am in tears because I am watching my husband unload his truck as he moves home. PRAISE GOD!! I am watching boxes being unloaded, drawers being filled, and my house becoming a home again. And I have to give God all the glory, honor, and praise! The tears are tears of joy, and tears that remind me of where my husband and I have been. It’s as if God is taking each box that SNO (spouse name omitted) brings in and using it to wash away the pain of seeing the same box leave with him seven and a half months ago. Don’t get me wrong; God had healed those wounds, but today, with each box brought home, he is somehow erasing the wounds completely. It is the most unexplainable feeling.

I decided to drive home from New York last night instead of today, so it was an easier trip for the kids; bad weather was coming…plus I just wanted to get home. And when I got home at 11:30pm, SNO was here. He had said that he would be, but I had hit bad weather and got back quite a bit later than I had told him I would be, so I was surprised that he was here. And as I pulled into the garage, I could see that his winter coats were hanging on the rack where they always did, and all I could think was “Praise God!”

When I went upstairs, there he sat in his chair; he had a fire burning, and for a moment, it was like he had never left. It was surreal. We watched some TV, and then he asked if I was tired. When I said yes, he said “Well, let’s head upstairs then.” So I asked if he was staying, and he said yes! Again, I praised God, because he had not stayed overnight in our house since the night he moved out in April. Once again, it was as if he never left. Everything was as it was, yet it was so much more.

I had noticed that he had not moved anything else home, but said nothing. When we woke up, he made us all pancakes for breakfast and we just hung out and then had lunch. About an hour ago, I asked him what he wanted to do today and his answer was “I want to start moving my stuff home.” I don’t remember what was said after that, but I know I was grinning. He started down the steps to leave and the kids asked what stuff he was moving home, and he said “All of my stuff.” Then they asked why, and he said “I am moving back home.” The kids just went crazy; they didn’t see this coming, because I had not said anything about it.

So here I sit, feeling a bit overwhelmed as God erases the painful memory of boxes leaving with the joy of seeing boxes returning. I wish I could explain the healing God has given me through watching him move home. It is like God is showing me that He is erasing all of the pain of the past, right before my eyes. He truly does make all things new.

So I ask that when your spouses move back home, look at those cardboard boxes as they carry them in; look at them hard. You will have such an appreciation for what those boxes represent. They are erasers; God’s erasers, so thank God for every one of them. God has been a great healer, but most importantly, he has been the wonderful eraser of my pain. Seven and a half months ago, I was on my knees crying out to God as my husband packed up and left. And today, I am on my knees praising him for this miraculous blessing. He never left me; He was with me all this time.

Thank you, FAMM family, for supporting me, and encouraging me. I would not be witnessing my husband move home right now if it was not for Linda, all of you, and this ministry. My husband is home because he says he has the wife he always wanted. I would not have been able to let go and make the changes needed in me without FAMM. I love you all, and I cannot wait to read all of the restoration testimonies that are coming…and believe me; they are coming. God Bless!! Karla

(re-posted from https://www.faithandmarriageministries.org/2008/10/09/sowing-in-tears-and-reaping-with-songs-of-joy/)

Sowing in Tears and Reaping with Songs of Joy!

First and foremost, I would like to thank God and give him all of the glory for the restoration of my marriage. And I feel led by him to write this to encourage all of you to trust in God and know that he is faithful to answer all that he has promised.

In March of 2006, my husband walked out on me and our marriage, and being full of pride, it was the most devastating event of my life. For months, we kept in touch and I was convinced that he still loved me and would not be able to do without me. Yet, as the months went by, I cried and cried, wondering why God had allowed this to happen. I couldn’t understand how the sweet man I had married turned into such an evil man. The few times we met as per my request, he’d flaunt his other relationships in my face. In his eyes, the marriage ended when he walked out. But in mine, we were still married in God’s eyes. So I would email him bible versus on marriage, adultery and so forth, but he just got meaner and eventually just ignored my calls; to the point that we completely stopped speaking to each other.

After six or seven months of that, I began harassing him and pressuring him to file for a divorce, and we ultimately ended up meeting at the courthouse to finalize the paperwork. I had to insist on him going there with me to ensure that the paperwork was filled out correctly, because by that time, the courts had rejected our petition four or five times. So I became impatient and told my husband that if I wanted things done right, I obviously had to do it myself. And two weeks after we filled out the paperwork, I received the notice in the mail of the dissolution of my marriage, which became official on September 17, 2007; just eleven days after what would have been our fourth wedding anniversary. But I was enraged and began to cry; not fully understanding why, since I was the one who pressured him to get the divorce. I had heard through friends how much he was partying and dating, and I wanted the same for me, but knew that I had to be divorced first. I had already tried “dating” while married and knew it was wrong and I wanted to feel good about it instead of feeling so bad and guilty about it.

God is always faithful to give us the desires of our hearts when we delight in him, but in order for us to be able to receive them, he must first purge US of all of OUR ungodly desires and he must show US where WE went wrong. My husband called me personally to deliver the news about the termination of our marriage, which just upset me even more. So from that moment forward, I began to date, party, drink, etc. But the more I did those worldly things, the emptier I felt inside. I was going out on dates with ungodly men, while just wishing that my husband was the one by my side. I was trying to deal with so many emotions, and at night, I found myself praying; asking God to keep my heart free of resentment toward my husband and to do his will in my life. I would ask God to bring me the right man, and I continued to ask him to save my husband and to show him the right way and his wrong doings, so he’d find the right Godly woman one day too.

As much as I partied, I never felt at ease. I always knew that I wanted God to bless me, but I was too hurt to allow myself to realize that I still loved my husband and that what I was doing was wrong. And it seems that God allowed me to date various types of men who were everything I always wanted in my husband; the success, money, great dancer, smooth talker, etc…I had it all. Each man had a little bit of what I was looking for. But, each and every one of them also had one of my own bad characteristics; short tempered, prideful, revengeful, ambitious, self Righteous, etc., and each one them had an excessive measure of their particular UNGODLY CHARACTERISTIC!

But through all of that, I began to see all the evil traits I had within myself and how each and every one of them had played a part in the temporary destruction of my marriage, and I felt at a loss. And I was eventually forced to move back in with my parents, because I had been such a bad steward of my finances. Meanwhile, my husband had moved in with another woman within a month of our divorce becoming final, and I swore I would never, ever go back to him. He sent me one last email, attempting to leave the door of communication between us open, but I told him where to put it! As I said, I was very hurt and not thinking or behaving very godly myself.

So I totally stopped talking to my husband, and I remember crying out and truly releasing him to God in January of 2008. I asked God to help me really forgive my husband because I didn’t want to feel the pain, bitterness and anger anymore; I said that I just wanted his will for my life and that I knew he had something better for me even if I didn’t know what it was. And I asked that some day my husband would realize that I wasn’t the only one responsible for what happened in our marriage and that he’d seek my forgiveness one day too. I knew that I had tried to reason with my husband and felt that nothing would salvage our marriage. So I gave up on all of MY efforts and truly handed him to God. I didn’t call him or email him; doing nothing at all.

Then on July 25, 2008, after almost 1 year of no real communication, we ran into each other at a mutual friend’s wedding. Of course, I knew he would be there, and with the other woman, so I made and effort to look extra stunning, because I was not about to be over shadowed by the new girl. All of my friends suggested taking a date, but I said no, because it was not my intention to make him jealous; I just wanted to make sure I looked good. So I showed up at the party “all dolled up”…wearing an emerald green dress with gold accessories (my husband had rarely seen me in a dress, because I hated wearing them). I walked in and he was sitting at the table with my best-friend’s husband. I walked to their table, because I had to say hi to my friend, and my husband could not take his eyes off of me. I hugged everyone at the table and held out my right hand to shake his hand, but he jumped up out of his chair and hugged me. Then I walked to my table and began mingling with my friends. He looked so out of place, and I later found out that he had broken things off with the girl and was living with his sister. There was so much sadness in his eyes, but he was no longer my business; he was God’s.

On the late afternoon of August 17, 2008 my husband called me out of the blue and asked me if I would meet him for coffee, and I reluctantly agreed. Then I called my boy-friend at the time and asked for his permission, even though I had already accepted the invitation. The boyfriend gave his consent, and I met my hubby that Wednesday night, while on my way to a business trip. We had dinner and sat across from each other. I was bubbly and energetic, and he looked gloomy and sad. We ate dinner in an hour and I was in a hurry to leave. He walked me to the parking lot, where so much happened…. He hugged me and asked me to forgive him, but without looking at him, I pulled away and told him I had forgiven him a long time ago, and that I was saddened that we’d never find out why our marriage had not worked. I looked at him and his eyes were full of tears. I hugged him again, and got into my car and left. The next day, he called and wanted to communicate, but I wouldn’t respond.

Meanwhile, the problems with the “boyfriend” got more intense and I ended that relationship in a moment of rage. I attempted to work things out with him, but he was too prideful and stubborn. But it all worked out, because having him out of my life enabled me to be receptive to my husband’s attempts to romance me. He asked me out on another date, upon my return from my business trip and it was then that he asked for forgiveness and asked me to give him another chance. Even though my pride was still alive and well, I still could not walk away and end it right then and there. Eventually, I reluctantly accepted his proposal to get to know each other once more, but in the back of my head I was thinking, “How dare you try to come back like nothing happened?” Well, that prideful, self-righteous, unforgiving attitude ended up affecting us later on that week. We spent Labor Day weekend together and we had an argument on the last day. And he stopped calling and texting me like he had been doing up until the argument, and I lost it. I wanted to call him, and tell him “How dare you come back and romance me and then at the drop of a dime, cut off all forms of communication with me.” But by God’s grace and mercy, I held back. Then that night, I cried so much that I thought I had stopped breathing, and then I became angry with myself; wondering why it was affecting me so much; after all, I had lived without him for the past two and a half years, and I could do it again. So I cried out to God, and that’s when He made me realize that I had a big chip on my shoulder, and that I was looking down on my husband, with an “I knew you’d come back” attitude. That was a terrible attitude to have, and God showed me how displeasing it was to him and just how much I truly loved my husband. So I cried out for forgiveness on a Wednesday, and the following Saturday, my husband called me again. We met each other again and we’ve been glued to each other ever since, and we’re getting remarried this Saturday night.

God gets ALL of the Glory for our restoration, for with Him ALL things are possible. Don’t rely on your own will, because that will always fail. With every day that goes by, God is showing me how he answers my prayers when I don’t like what my husband is doing, or how he is acting. I have to take those concerns to him and not nag, criticize or complain to my husband. God has him, and most importantly, he has our marriage.

My husband has been attending church for a few months now, which he has made clear that he intends to continue doing. And even though he’s always been romantic, now it’s to a whole new extreme. Praise the LORD! God truly showed me His Mercy and Grace, and he will do the same for you. So don’t give up; focus on allowing God to “fix” YOU, because as He is fixing you, He is faithfully fixing your spouse too. Remember, if we could have fixed our spouses, we wouldn’t have ended up temporarily separated. I say temporarily because God WILL restore!

Love,
MNO

(re-posted from https://hsfministries.org/healed-and-set-free-inspiration-stories_Adultery.php)

Jesus has Restored my Sanity and Marriage

  by Vicki, Idaho

Vicki and J.D

Our second child, a beautiful boy, was born when I was 29, about 28 years ago. I had been a Christian four years. David Judah was born deaf. I was SCARED – “How do I raise a deaf child?” ANGRY – “Why me Lord, when I have been trying to follow you?” CONFUSED – “Why would a good God who loves me allow deafness?”

DISAPPOINTED – “Why is my husband not responding to David’s deafness the way I think he should?” Because I was a Christian I knew these feelings were wrong so I just began to stuff them down. I just kept PRETENDING I was okay.

I did not know how to apply God’s word to my personal life. It seemed to me that there were no other Christians with my bad attitudes and feelings. I did not SEE my negative, judgmental, and unforgiving thoughts as sin.

I felt like this Jesus/Christian thing just did NOT work or make me happy. I chose my own way of dealing with my hurts and disappointments, adultery. I thought another man would make me happy. I was WRONG. My life began a downward, self-absorbed cycle. I was tearing down my house with my own hands. I was trying to ease my pain – but instead my pain became much worse. I fought with my kids and husband. I did not provide meals or a welcoming environment in our home. Me, me, me, consumed my thoughts. I was so tormented; I could not sleep at night and ended up in a mental hospital. It was there that I finally turned again to the Lord.

Vicki, her husband JD, their daughter Jill, and their three granddaughters

At that time, I was not familiar with Healed and Set Free Ministry’s “Tools to Become Set Free – SEE, GIVE, FORGIVE, FORGET, and BECOME SET FREE”. Looking back, what God showed me is the same basic principles. He led me to: 1) recognize and acknowledge my negative thoughts. I had to get alone with God to vent and cry – telling Him all. 2) Confess and repent all of my sinful thoughts, actions and emotions. In that process the Lord gave me the strength to unconditionally forgive, – myself and others. 3) I gave it all over to God, surrendering my will and asking Him to help me see and obey His will. And, 4) I needed to read God’s word daily renewing my mind with the truth.

I felt Jesus was showing me to confess my sin of adultery to my husband, and to ask him to forgive me. It was soooo hard to trust Jesus and tell my husband. I thought my husband would divorce me and take our two children. He had every right. I knew the Bible said divorce was okay if adultery was involved. I was depressed, lost, and I really felt like I was crazy. I knew trusting Jesus had to be better than how I felt at the time, so I finally surrendered to His will. The day I told the truth to my husband, he took me home from the mental hospital and we began a new life together.

Jesus has restored my sanity, marriage, and relationship with my children. He has truly made something beautiful out of my life. Daily for the past 17 years I have tried to see, give, forgive, forget and be set free. When I first completed the Healed and Set Free Bible Study I knew God was giving me confirmation that I needed to be honest with Him every day and apply His word to my life. I try to tell Jesus, daily, all my feelings and ask Him to make me obedient to Him. I never, ever, ever want to lean on my own understanding again. Jesus has given me peace, a good marriage and a purpose for living. The Bible says God shows no partiality. What Jesus has done for me he will do for you. As I facilitate Healed and Set Free Bible Studies, I see many women begin to live victorious lives. Hebrews 9:14 says the blood of Jesus will cleanse our conscience from sin, so we may serve the living God.

(re-posted from https://www.christian-faith.com/tags/marriage-restoration/)

Marriage Restored through Prayer and Faith

Hi,

I just wanted to share that for those of us who married before meeting the Lord Jesus, there is hope.

My husband and I were both unsaved when we got married 10 years ago. After two years into the marriage, the revelation came to me that “God loved me”. It was such an amazing concept to me, that One so Great, could love an insignificant ant like me. I fervently read the Bible until the book fell apart. It changed my life. My husband did not like it…it scared him and we ended up separating while he continued his “wild” living. With the support of his family and friends, he excluded me from his life…even though I was expecting his first child at the time.

Although we had sought at least 10 different counselors and pastors for help, it only made matters worse. I found that the church was not as supportive as I thought they would be. One pastor made light of my husband’s flamboyant ways (I left that church and later found out that the pastor was removed for having an affair with another man). It was a long, lonely nine months with many tears. I was hanging off the cross most days of my pregnancy, this was my wilderness experience and God seemed so distant and I felt like I was holding my breath.

I got baptized when I was five months pregnant and somehow I knew I was going to continue going through the fire. This fire produced my testimony. When I finally had my healthy baby, my husband continued playing games and our attempts to reconcile kept ailing. I had to call upon, Jesus Christ, “tough love”, exceptional grooming and cleanliness in all aspects of my life, to go through it… a legal-type separation. By now I had the strength to stand strong on the rock of my salvation and stand firm on the truth of the word of God. I drew my lines, defined them and my husband was unable to see me at all. He was now free to spend all the time in the world doing whatever pleased him the most. I prayed fro him during this time asking God to save him even if our marriage ended in divorce…I prayed for his salvation, not for my benefit but for his. I had a few wonderful Christian mentors at the time who gave me perspective and reminded me of who I was in Christ on those days that I felt doubtful. I lit a candle, read the word and prayed with Jesus and the Holy Spirit, since “where two or more are gathered He is present”…I had no one else to pray with during those 30 days (which I had not deliberately counted by the way).

I did experience the miracle when my husband and I chance met under strange circumstances. My husband told me that he had accepted the Lord Jesus as his savior, and of his experiences with God during that time. God is true. He stands true to His word and there is nothing impossible for Him. I had no belief that we would reconcile but God showed me. I put my husband’s salvation first before all of my personal hopes and my reward was a reconciled marriage. I was more than happy to not sin against God by divorcing. I have been able after that to help my sister go through a fierce battle in her own marriage by introducing her to Jesus Christ and helping her along the way. I was supposed to write a book on my experience to help encourage other married couples but it has not materialized. Today, the thought came into my mind… “God’s miracles”. That’s how I found you…It is His will for me to share my testimony through you. Thank you kindly for your website and for the ability you offer us to share the visible side of God with others.

God Bless You!

Kim

(re-posted from https://www.christian-faith.com/marriage-restored/)

Marriage Restored

My name is Crystal and I’m here to let you know that with man it may seem impossible……but with Almighty God…..NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE…… I made a promise to God and to myself that WHEN he restored my marriage, I would testify and tell the world….I would share EVERY single detail no matter how shameful and embarrassing it would be, in the hope and knowledge that I would someday be able to bring some kind of hope for a hurting wife or husband who would’ve been going through what I once was. I’ll try to be as brief as possible but I really don’t want to leave any detail out….no matter how small, because it may be the very thing God wants to use to inspire and encourage a stander or prodigal spouse. I don’t want to apportion blame too much here but suffice it to say we had some in-law issues which contributed greatly to our demise….but that is another story and I want to concentrate on how God showed up and showed off in the mist of my situation. Today is March 16th 2011…. My husband of 1yr and 5monts left me on November 30th 2010….BUT….all thanks and all praise be to Almighty God, he is now back home and we are rebuilding a marriage that from all counts and to the naked eye in the natural realm was dead. As far as I could see we were the perfect couple……went out together…….stayed home together……laughed, joked……..we were like two peas in a pod……of course we had our regular marital problems….no marriage is perfect……..in addition to the above we also…..argued and sometimes told each other some harsh words…….LIKE EVERY OTHER COUPLE……it isn’t right but it happens….. In spite of all this , I believed he loved me just as much as I loved him……you could imagine my surprise and heart break when one day after a short disagreement……and I mean short….lasting no more that a few minutes…..my beloved husband packed his clothes and walked out of my life……. All this happened on Nov 30th 2010…..I held off from calling him because I was still upset and I figured I didn’t do him any harm…..he was the one that stepped out in our marriage and on our marriage…..ours wasn’t a physical stepping as in outside sex….it was an on-going 5 month relationship on the internet, with someone he had been previously involved with. The days went by and he didn’t call so on December 5th 2010….I called him…..he refused to take my calls so I texted him only to be told that he wasn’t interested in me and I should go on with my life….that I should never call or text him again……..that was like a dagger through my heart……I felt as though someone had literally ran a knife straight through my stomach and was twisting it repeatedly…..but that isn’t the worse yet….. I persisted in calling him that same day and eventually he picked up the phone…he was as cold as ice……I felt frightened even listening to him……he told me….I NEVER LOVED YOU……I AM SORRY WE GOT MARRIED…..I FELT TRAPPED IN THIS MARRIAGE…..I DON’T LOVE YOU LIKE A MAN SHOULD LOVE A WOMAN…..THE FEELINGS I HAVE FOR YOU IS THAT OF A “GOOD”FRIEND……I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND YOU SHOULD GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE…..I’M NOT COMING BACK……. I have never felt pain like I did then in my entire life……..it is amazing when you are down on luck how quickly you remember that GOD does exists. I was a regular church goer and I tithed but I still didn’t have that personal relationship with God…..well God has a way of getting our attention in ways unimaginable….and he got mine. I cried DAILY AND HOURLY……I felt all hope was gone….I mean how do you get someone to love you again when that person is saying I never loved you at all…..YOU CANT….BUT GOD CAN…… I had built my life around my husband and now he was gone……I felt like I lost the better part of me…..I couldn’t eat….I couldn’t eat ….I didn’t want to socialize and I forced myself to go to work…..but God had a plan…….even though all seemed lost……God was turning my situation around even as I was hurting…..what the devil meant for evil God was turning around for good. I enlisted the help of three persons…….a Prophetess an Apostle and a church Pastor…..these were all spiritual people I knew……and strong men and women of God……I knew I wasn’t strong in my spirit and my faith was way less than even that of a mustard seed. I still cried every day but I also engaged in some radical and spiritual warfare for my husband…..I spoke the word of God over my marriage EVERYDAY and I prayed hedges of thorns around my husband EVERYDAY…..I pleaded the blood of Jesus over him and claimed my marriage in the name of Jesus. Remember I wasn’t rooted in God so my prayers wasn’t as flowing as other people but everyday I gain more and more strength and my faith began to soar…..I prayed that God would soften my husband’s heart and remind him of the love we once shared……I asked God to send Godly people in his life to speak to him even when I couldn’t and God heard me…. I think I either bought or borrowed every book on marriage…warfare….prayer…you name it ….every website I could think of…….. And I just wrapped my husband up and prayed what ever pray I could even verbatim from some of those same books…….I became like a one man army….. At times the devil whispered in my ears and un belief and doubt settled in….I would call my pray warriors for encouragement and go to God crying and in a few hours I would be right as rain and ready again to go up against the gates of hell for my boo .. To make a long story short……Sunday January 16th 2011….I got a text from my husband….who accidently had AGAIN on the 14th January 2011…..told me he felt the same way and I should go on with my life. He said he wanted to talk and wanted to know if he could come by the house….he wanted to know if I could forgive him for what he did and for us to try again at our marriage… I had released my husband and my marriage to God and I knew God was going to do something….but I thought it would be perhaps a Hi hello…how are you….or perhaps a few weeks down the line he might drop in a call or something……….I had no idea that MY GOD was bringing my husband home that day….that instant….. He told me that after he spoke to me on Thursday….he went to God himself and talked to him and asked him to speak and show him what he should do……..he said from the time he said that everything just went crazy…..everything he saw reminded him of me…..when he went to sleep him dreams were constant replays of our life together…..he started thinking about stuff that happened before and after our marriage that were nothing short of miraculous….. In short…..God was speaking to him all along but he was too proud to just walk back and admit that he was wrong but he wanted to so much….. He wanted to give our marriage a chance and he loved me and wanted to be with ME. I give all the thanks and praise to God for what he did……it doesn’t matter what your situation looks like….it doesn’t matter how impossible and dead it seems……it doesn’t matter what your husband or wife is planning……..we plan but God is also planning and he works EVERYTHING out together for those that love the LORD.. DO NOT GIVE UP….THE DEVIL AND EVEN YOUR OWN MIND IS GOING TO TRY TO TELL YOU TO MOVE ON…LEAVE HIM/HER ALONE…HE/SHE DOESN’T WANT YOU…..THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO…..THERE IS NO ONE THAT CAN HELP YOU NOW…..DO NOT LISTEN……even in your tears….cry out to God….when you don’t know what to say…..just say JESUS….nothing more…….tears is a language God understands and he is going to work it out….. This isn’t every single detail of what happened there are parts m issing…but my short journey has been nothing but incredible and miraculous…but I want you to know that with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE… Be encouraged

*** EDITOR’S NOTE: this testimonial is especially encouraging to demonstrate God’s power to turn the heart, as God, through His Word, makes it abundantly clear that He and He alone can and will turn someone’s heart according to His timing, for His purposes (Daniel 4:16, Jeremiah 24:7, Ezekiel 11:19, and so many more verses). Be fully convinced that God can, and wants to, turn your spouse’s heart back to your and your marriage.

(re-posted from https://www.intentionallyyours.org/blog/2013/10/30/i-was-that-prodigal-wife)

The drive on the way home was somber an unusually quiet.  There were no sing-alongs, no laughter, no music, only grim silence.  It was  if my two young children were in mourning and had just left a freshly dug grave.

As I turned to reach for his hand, I could see the tears flowing uncontrollably from my young son’s eyes.  He forcefully pushed my hand away and with his voice breaking, he yelled out,” I can’t take this anymore. Why did we have to leave dad? Mom what have you become? I  want my family back!”

What had I become?

For several days his words resonated in my ears. I tried desperately to get the look of his solemn face out of my mind. His face was filled with so much pain, hurt, and so many questions. Yet, his words were so convicting.What had I become?  My marriage was under attack and we had drifted apart, but instead of choosing to fight for my marriage, in my discontentment I selfishly opted for what looked like the easiest way out.  I had chosen to take the road that I convinced myself would “lead to a better  life.“

The Prodigal

I found myself living out the life of the parable of that prodigal son. You see, his discontentment had led him straight to a life of coveting and wanting more. Just like that prodigal son, I set out to seek a life of fulfilling my own self centered pleasures. I can’t even imagine the pain and deep anguish that the father felt that day when his prodigal son came to him and said,”give mewhat is mine.”  In a sense that son was really saying, “I wish you were dead! You haven’t died soon enough to suit me, I want what is mine now!”

My hand quivers as I write this next line; I feel my emotions taking over.  I have to ponder if years ago when my marriage was broken, did not my husband’s heart break in that same way? Oh, how he questioned, how he pleaded, how he cried, when I looked at him, and I too said, “I want out, give me what is mine!”  I wonder if the thought ever crossed his mind, does my wife think she’d be better off if I were dead?

But, just like the father of the prodigal son, my husband prepared his heart, cried out to God and surrounded himself with godly people to encourage him for my homecoming. Just being candid, I never once had to leave the comfort of our home. It was my husband who was forced to leave. Yet I had chosen to flee from my responsibilities as a wife and a mother.

Months later after godly counsel, repentance and seeking forgiveness, I was spiritually returning home to my marriage and to my family. I had realized the foolishness in my actions and most importantly, I had realized that I was nothing without God. Friends, I was so tired of eating after the swine, tired of flirting with sin, hanging out with people who only liked  me for what I could do for them, or for something I was not.

Celebrate When the Lost Are Found!

But just like the parable of the prodigal son, my story does not end there. I can hear my husband  shouting out now to all our neighbors, get out the fatted calf, turn up the music, let me get her wedding ring cleaned and shined up, I am putting on my finest suit! Kids, put on your best clothes, let’s run out to Krispy Kreme and grab her favorite doughnut, stop by the store and load up on her favorite chocolates,  God has restored our home! God has redeemed your mother! My beautiful bride is coming home!

Hallelujah! Are you finding yourself in a desperate situation just like the father of the prodigal son? Or just like my husband with his prodigal wife? Maybe it is a teenage son or daughter who has walked away? Maybe you are barely holding on, as you cry out to God for healing in your marriage and for that prodigal spouse to come home?

Friend, my GOD has sent me to tell you: keep standing, keep praying, get in the word surround yourself with godly people who will encourage and lift you up! As long as you are breathing there is HOPE! Don’t ever give up. Very soon that prodigal may come running home!

 “I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened” Ephesians 1:18

(re-posted from https://hsfministries.org/healed-and-set-free-inspiration-stories_My-Marriage-was-over-How-God-Restored-our-Love-Account.php)

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds”– (Psalm 147:3).

Thank you for the opportunity to share my testimony, and thank you, Tammy Brown, and all the others who shared their life stories with us. I would also like to thank Vicki for being a great teacher, leader and friend through this process.

My husband and I have been married for fourteen years. Somewhere along the way we stopped investing in our “love account” and did a lot more investing in our “self-serving account.” We had begun drinking. It started with special occasions, then weekends, then before we knew it, it was several times a week. I was under the illusion that I was a much “happier” person if I drank. That was far from the truth! I usually found myself pointing an accusatory finger at my husband, followed by nagging. My husband would turn a deaf ear to me, giving me the cold shoulder. During this time we found ourselves in very unsavory situations, even dangerous. Our family life began to suffer, as well as our spiritual life. I very rarely went to church. Although I was saved, I felt very distant from God. By this point in my life I had already felt the cold sting of being molested as a child, and the fear of physical and verbal retaliation from a much older brother. But my fear, shame and guilt would not end there; life was about to deal me the biggest blow of my life—betrayal.

Betrayal was one of my biggest fears, and I shared that very openly in my marriage. I have learned that Satan works our fears against us, that is, if we give him the power to do so. My husband strayed for a moment, and in that moment our lives were forever changed. I found out about his betrayal from the person with whom he had betrayed me. I felt so hopeless. I screamed a colorful array of phrases at him over the phone. I found myself circling his car with a very large mallet, trying to decide which part was going to be taken out first. Eventually I relented and took my anger out on our picnic table, which, needless to say, did not survive. I spent most of that night plotting revenge, even swearing he would come home to an empty home left in shambles. The next day I drained our savings account and even went as far as going to a lawyer.

But as I stepped into the lawyer’s office, I knew I could not end things on those terms. When we said our vows it was “for better or for worse, in sickness or in health.” I had every reason—and God’s given blessing—to walk out of my marriage that day. But I didn’t. When my husband came home, we had a very long heartbreaking talk. I even went as far as giving my ring back to him and told him he needed to prove his love to me.

That was the weekend we began rebuilding. We began a couples’ devotional, and for the first time in thirteen years, we actually joined hands and prayed. I would love to tell you that our recommitment to God, family, and to one another made everything easy, and that we sailed on calm seas into the sunset. But it was the worst storm I had ever gone through in my life. I found myself in bed for very long stints of time. I began cutting. I felt so numb, and the pain hurt so bad. I had lost all control over my life, and cutting seemed to mask some of my internal pain.

During our struggles my mom passed away. By all accounts and definition I was an orphan. I knew I needed help. My bitterness, shame and hate continued to grow like a wild fire inside of me. Then I began the Healed and Set Free Bible study. What a blessing it has been. It taught me to see my “roots of bitterness” that began to spring up within me. It made me see that my choices, no matter how much I felt justified in that moment, were not OK if they were not the will of God.

“See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many” (Hebrews 12:15). Forgiveness is for me as much as it is for the person who has wronged me. “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins (Matthew 6:14-15). At many points during this healing process, I would find myself pointing out all my husband’s failures only to have three fingers pointed back at me. I needed as much forgiveness and grace as I thought my husband did. I gave my pain, bitterness, shame and hate to the Lord, and in return He has given me peace, joy and love. Pretty good trade I think!

Finally I have begun to heal and be set free from all my burdens. It does not happen overnight. I still sometimes pray with clinched teeth for those who have hurt me so deeply, but it’s getting easier. God has done great things in me, in my husband, and in our family. Since the first day we joined our hands in prayer together, there have been very few days we have missed a day of prayer. We have seen both our kids saved and baptized through our journey, and it’s only been a year! I can only imagine what other blessings He has in store for our lives. My husband was and is my best friend; I love him with my whole heart. I am thankful for God, for His abounding grace and for second chances.

(re-posted from https://encouragingmen.org/c1/d1-chapter-1-peace-from-god/hostility-until-the-day-of-my-breakthrough/)

“Hostility until the DAY of My Breakthrough!”

(re-posted from: https://www.ckministry.org/blog/2019/09/04/healed-marriage-testimony)

 Healed Marriage Testimony

(re-posted from: https://www.precious-testimonies.com/testimonies/victories/marriage/how-god-has-healed-my-marriage)

(re-posted from: https://redeeming-love.com/our-together-story/)